Sissi*, 66

"My body changed. What used to be erogenous zones was suddenly just skin. It was like all the wires were cut."

I was a woman, now I'm 66 years old and I want to tell my story here. My husband died at the age of 45 from an aneurysm. We were married for 23 years, had 2 sons and both got good jobs. We met each other while studying. From one day to the next, nothing was the way it was. I'm a strong woman, I can do it, that's what I thought. Yes, I felt strong. What I didn't manage were the emotional things. How do you grieve properly? I sat there with guilt (we had a fight before) and some other issues and I slipped into depression, but maybe it was just the grief. So I sent myself to a clinic because I felt the need to talk about it, but it was too much for those around me. After the death of my husband, my life went up and down for years. Depressive phases alternated with phases in which I was doing relatively well. I've traveled a lot, my kids say I've run away from the pain. But today's experience is that you take everything with you, even when travelling. The way things went up and down with me, I took antidepressants from time to time, but apart from the side effects I didn't feel any positive effects. I felt worse with the antidepressants than without, so I stopped taking them. I guess I've tried the whole range. "The initial antidepressants had no effect on my sexuality. When I was really bad, I wasn't interested in sex, in better phases my libido was back." Then menopause came and I slipped back into depression. The psychiatrist said every depression passes. I didn't want to believe it at the time. Could I imagine drawing a pension? At the time I didn't really know what I was getting myself into, but I felt completely overwhelmed with my work because I couldn't concentrate and made mistakes. I had a responsible job that I had fought for and enjoyed doing, but I was no longer up to it. I didn't know that. Then came retirement at 55 and slowly the depression disappeared. It's a story and some things you only reflect on afterwards. I had sexual desires after the death of my husband. I've had a few relationships, I've longed for closeness, for sex. "Sex was always beautiful. It was alive. I could feel myself." I then had a relationship for 8 years, it was a bit difficult, but we got very attracted to each other and we always had good sex, until suddenly everything was different. That was the point when I gave up on my work and probably took or stopped the antidepressant. "My body changed. What used to be erogenous zones was suddenly just skin. It was like all the wires were cut." I wasn't aroused anymore, couldn't kiss anymore, couldn't be touched anymore, couldn't handle it at all. I cried, was angry, I didn't understand the whole thing at all. The relationship collapsed. Who can you talk to about this? My girlfriend could not imagine that I no longer function sexually. I'm an attractive woman on the outside. At that time I put it down to the menopause, I only came across PSSD later in a forum. I kept looking for the problem somewhere because it didn't make any sense. I can't even remember which antidepressant it was, but it makes sense to me. Since I had severe side effects from the antidepressants, I was never able to take them for long and always stopped taking them quickly and uncontrollably. Today I think that the medication triggered this painful loss, because I can't imagine such a massive impairment of sexual, emotional and cognitive abilities as a result of the menopause. You don't need to talk to doctors about it, it's all psychological. That hurts! No one has ever hurt me sexually, why should I reject sex? And even after the menopause, people still have feelings, longing and sexuality. The loss is too painful. I stuffed it in a corner. It's supposed to stay there, but it doesn't, because we live in a world of sexuality. Men don't attract me anymore. If I see a film in which people kiss, I find it disgusting. Interaction between man and woman is sending and receiving. I no longer send and receive! I never dream. I can't be happy. I've been to such amazing places in the world and I can't feel it. Concentration problems have already made me give up my work, and I no longer dare to tackle more complex topics. I'm quickly overwhelmed. In the meantime I have become a pain patient, which I somehow attribute to the antidepressants. Everything is connected - nothing is to be considered in isolation. In retrospect, I regret that I did not document how I felt about which antidepressant. That's too bad. Today I can only say that the last two were Cymbalta and Valdoxan. In a clinic I tried mirtazapine 1 tablet again, but it was terrible. I couldn't sleep but was stunned. Never again!
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