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I was in my mid-30s and at my absolute physical peak so far. To keep fit for my surf trips around the world, I went to yoga several times a week, bouldering or just did strength and endurance sports. I've never felt stronger and more invulnerable as a pain slowly but surely manifested itself in my left back. I went to all sorts of doctors, but no one could find the cause.

After about two years with the pain, a family member who practiced medicine in the United States had the idea of giving me a medication to calm my nerves. After the pills were prescribed to me and stood on the table in front of me, I had a bad feeling. The only thing on the jar was the phrase "May cause dizziness" next to the drug's name "Cymbalta" (duloxetine)."

"So I picked up the phone and asked exactly about the side effects. After the conversation I was reassured - no need to worry. I trusted blindly what turned out to be the worst mistake of my life so far."

I started taking it daily. 1 tablet, 30mg Cymbalta. I couldn't see any improvement in my back pain. After a few days/weeks I developed severe dry mouth and had extreme dizzy spells. Especially when I entered large rooms, I almost fell out backwards. At least that's how it felt. Then everything was "normal" again. Then, overnight, I realized that something was wrong. I couldn't feel my penis anymore. I couldn't feel it or move it up and down by tightening my pelvic floor muscles. A day later I had a date with a girl. We kissed and I was extremely keen on sex. But none of that came down. I didn't have an erection, nor did I feel anything. I had never experienced anything like this. Up to this point I was almost constantly aroused and had never once had a “hang” in my life. So I went to the urologist the very next day and told him that I felt like my penis was off my body and been severed from my head. No matter what I imagined, nothing happened. The doctor said I was under too much stress and should relax. He wrote me down two sexual enhancers that I should take every day for a month. I tried to calm myself down and took the pills. But when I realized weeks later that things weren't getting any better, my medical odyssey began. All the urologists sent me home again and attested that the problem was psychological. In the meantime, I could no longer have sex at all without having taken a sexual enhancer first. I stopped having nocturnal or spontaneous erections and my libido was gone. Then after a few months my penis started to shrink and it became numb. At first just the underside, in the meantime my entire genitals are numb. I only feel something when I pinch my fingernail.

"Nobody had an explanation for the numbness and I was passed from doctor to doctor. I was tested for everything from multiple sclerosis to a brain tumor. No findings."

My life as I knew it no longer exists: sex and physical intimacy have always played a very important role in my everyday life. There was no more talk of that. I didn't think about sex, nor did I respond to sexual stimuli of any kind. It was as if I had been castrated overnight. Suddenly I didn't like cuddling or other physical closeness anymore. As if all of that wasn't stressful enough, I've been suffering from severe concentration problems for several weeks, which made it almost impossible for me to think clearly and do my job. And even in the evening I haven't been able to watch a film for weeks without falling asleep totally exhausted. I went through the whole year again from end to end. What had happened to me that could have caused this disease? And then the scales fell from my eyes: These back pain tablets - I started taking them around the same time as the symptoms. But I stopped taking the pills after about 10 weeks because they had no effect other than side effects. So I googled “erection problems Cymbalta” and after a short search I found what I was looking for: PSSD. Post SSRI Sexual Dysfunction. I seem to have been on an antidepressant the whole time without knowing it. The reports about it corresponded 1:1 with what I experienced. Erectile dysfunction, lack of libido, paralyzed genitals, brain fog and emotional dullness... Worst of all, this disease does not seem to have a cure, nor does it have any official recognition or research. Only a few researchers are taking the problem and people seriously and are trying to learn more about the disease. I have been living with PSSD for 1.5 years now. Unfortunately, there is not much left of the well-trained, popular athlete. If only I had been told this horror story beforehand. I wouldn't have believed her. These symptoms are just too blatant: My testosterone levels have meanwhile fallen below the normal range, my muscles have been replaced by fat. My penis and testicles have shrunk significantly - as has the semen volume. I feel powerless. Physically and mentally. The lack of libido and the severe ED make it really, really hard to be in a relationship, or even want to be in a relationship. My goal of starting a family of my own is very far away. Social contacts have become almost irrelevant to me. I no longer feel part of this society because I can no longer and do not want to have a say in everything that has to do with sex. I have often hoped that it was all just a bad dream and that I would wake up soon, but so far to no avail. The only hope left is that research will find out what happened to us and what led to these extreme symptoms. Only then can a remedy be found that will make our life worth living again. Until then, I'll try to keep my job despite the symptoms, which is very difficult for me and I have to work my way from day to day. * Name changed